Long lost.

Need a place where I can talk freely, explore deeply, and address life in general. I tried another site for awhile and then realized that no matter what I write is not private in any way. It's all out there to be Googled by any person.

Strange knowing this, because I am so private.

Going through huge growing pains....and mind you they are just that right now.

Peace out,
k

On Easter morning, as I enjoyed my coffee, a rowdy young person cranked their stereo and disrupted and awakened neighbors in my apartment complex with this wonderful old song. 
 

"Desperado"

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late

I sat on the patio in the cool desert morning and soaked in the music and the words. I found it touched my soul in some way because I felt I was the Desperado. I am the one on the fence with closed gate. I am the one who can't let anyone into my heart. I am walking through this world all alone.

As I grow spiritually, I am not certain of what Easter means to me anymore. But maybe today, I can have it be the day that I arise from a dead state. It can be the day that my divine creator shows me and the people in my life that transformation is possible. It can be a day when I renew my faith in my creator and remind myself that change is possible and GRACE will lead me there.

Kayka (a.k.a. Bubbles)

Do you remember what it was like to be an 8-year-old? I do. I was filled with creativity and energy and LOVE. I was unafraid. I woke in the morning and "bounced" out of bed. I believed in magic and miracles and benevolence. I believed in having dreams and that if I had them, they would certainly come true. I knew that I was loved, by everyone. If I doubted someone's affection, I made sure they got to know who I was. In fact, I was down-right friendly. I smiled all the time. What's more, I laughed. I would laugh so hard my belly ached. I would dance. I would stand on my tip toes. I would hum. I would run....as fast as the wind could take me and then fall on my back on the grass and stare at the wondrous sky and imagine I saw rabbits and spaceships and happy ladies' faces in the puffy white clouds. If fear came, it was only at night when I had to lay down alone in the dark and feel separated from the world. I will take that child and bring her into 2007. I will embrace the emotion and the memories. I will love without fear. And, I will live with assurance that I am completely wholly loved and safe. I intend to celebrate that innocence.

When marimba rhythms start to play
  Dance with me, make me sway
  Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
  Hold me close, sway me more

  Like a flower bending in the breeze
  Bend with me, sway with ease
  When we dance you have a way with me
  Stay with me, sway with me

    Other dancers may be on the floor
    Dear, but my eyes will see only you
    Only you have the magic technique
    When we sway I go weak

  I can hear the sounds of violins
  Long before it begins
  Make me thrill as only you know how
  Sway me smooth, sway me now

    Other dancers may be on the floor
    Dear, but my eyes will see only you
    Only you have the magic technique
    When we sway I go weak

  I can hear the sounds of violins
  Long before it begins
  Make me thrill as only you know how
  Sway me smooth, sway me now
  You know how
  Sway me smooth, sway me now

Here I am at 47, suddenly learning more about love. Could it be possible? I do not mean romantic love, though that is included in my awakening. I am learning what love could be like if I shed all masks and all fear. How many masks do you wear? How much fear keeps you from loving?

"A Course in Miracles" says that love is the absence of fear. And in Unity I was taught that where there is fear, love cannot exist.

And friends, I feel a lot of fear a lot of the time.

On this Valentine's Day, I accept myself as one who is working toward releasing all fear.

On this Valentine's Day, I aksed those who I have hurt in any way ever to be touched quietly by my soft words of  "I am sorry. Please forgive me."

On this Valentine's Day, on this global day of love, I send out a message of love to all of you in shared consciousness.

I love you all,
Kayka

Jackson Browne's music is in my mind. What a whirlwind these past several months have been. The image here shows me indulging in a wine-filled, food-filled, love-filled evening in Tucson. Two of the students from the College where I work married this past Saturday. This was the most tame photo I could find. I cut loose that evening like I haven't in a very long time. The Tucson adventure helped me reduce a little of my stress. I have been at the point of exhaustion and tears so often with my job. It has been more work than I ever could have imagined, yet so fulfilling.

But, here I am again.....finding myself focused on the less relevant aspects of my existence. Living to work. Going from one day to the next, forgetful of blessings, forgetful of prayer, totally forgetful of my beauty and strength.

I pray, as I get ready to retire for the evening, that tomorrow begins a new time in my life. That I may be a mindful woman. That I may live in the moment.

That I may become "softer in spirit."

Peace to all who enter here.
Kayka

Today is my brother's birthday. He is my younger brother, by a year and a half. He is my more successful sibling in terms of a life of affluence, and a happy marriage with two great kids. But, I know he is far from happy today. Even the most successful and most accomplished and those with true genius (which I believe he has) can succumb to depression. He's got a very serious clinical case and I ache for him because of this illness that moved in around his life like a dark fog when he went to England for vacation in August. The depression has not abated and only gets worse and worse.

So as the year ends, my greatest prayer is for his healing-- for a modicum of normalness to return to his world.

As '06 ends, I seek to find my own happiness and lift the veil of depression that alights on me on occasional days, obscuring my ability to remember the beautiful and powerful woman that I am. I've had a "bug" for the entire holiday season and I know when the body feels run down it can play tricks on the mind as well.

I'm going to add a few standard goals to my resolution list:
-- lose weight (ten pounds)
-- get finances in order (they are a friggin mess....and my bills just get higher and worse all the time)
-- exercise more....this isn't about losing weight but more about being one with my body
-- decide what to do with a relationship fraught with differences (my lover and me)
-- ask God for revealing dreams
-- remember B-Days this year! I've grown quite bad at remembering

So I know tomorrow, when the new year arrives I will have more to say and if I don't write in here....rest assured I will be manifesting all that my mind focuses on.

peace and light,
Kayka

Dear Zaadster friends,

I have waited a very long time before adding a new entry. I keep thinking that this blog should contain messages of hope and advocacy and higher consciousness. If I wait until those moments.......you'll hear from me very sporadically.

I am a spiritual being living a human experience and this is what is real.

The human experience and all its joys and difficulties has been front and center lately. I often refer to this place as the spiritual wilderness...but it is the time of greatest growth.

Shall I go into all that I am experiencing? I don't know that it will enlighten or inspire anyone, but I can tell you what my lessons in life are right now.

I am learning that:

-- I am not to blame.
-- I am not in control.
-- My intuition is usually "right on"
-- I do not have to run from perceived failure.
-- I am capable of accomplishing greater professional goals than I ever imagined.
-- Others suffer and no matter how much I want to understand their suffering, it is their experience not mine.
-- Animals and gardening are two of my greatest pleasures.
-- It's okay to be tired.
-- It's okay to be wrong.

Above is photo of me on Halloween. I made a choice that evening to not celebrate with my lover at several large parties.....I don't like large parties. I am an introvert. I chose instead to be with my family and have a mellow evening of conversation and gazing into my nephew's extraordinary blue eyes. I made a choice to follow MY heart, not someone else's and to be okay.

I am in an empty spiritual place-- but GOD is by my side whether I feel that or not.
And, I am growing. This is what humans do.
Peace to my friends here.
Kayka

I wonder why, when we are most kind and make a request, that people ignore us? Do we need to be pushy, do we need to be aggressive. I shouldn't think so.

It is very difficult to be ignored when we seek attention. What a "human" challenge!

Today I am frustrated because I have asked for information from the General Manager of Channel 7 in Amarillo. Texas. I used to work there as an evening news anchor in 1982-1983. The General Manager's name is Lynn Fairbanks (l.fairbanks@kvii.com), and I simply asked her by mail if she could let me know who in their promotion department might have some samples of ads they used for billboards and newspapers when I was there.

She has no time for me, no answer to my inquiry. She's never even taken the time to call or write back and say they may not have what I seek. And, it makes me very uncomfortable.

How, as a human, should I let this go?

I learned from a therapist this past year that one of my "errors of thought and expectation" is that I believe that when I am kind, people will also be kind in return. When they are not, and especially when they ignore me, I find it very hard. I was told....others do not think as I think.

Do you wonder if every hurt we choose to experience and if every miscommuncation between humans is because of this? 

 

When the well feels dry, as mine has for so many years now, I look for my connection with God through the ordinary. 

--- A text message yesterday from a "gentle" man in Texas who tells me: " It was so good 2 hear from U   I pray 4 blessings 2 fill your life and love 2 embrace U." I feel ignorant because I don't know how to send a text message, but blessed because God tells me, "My child YOU DESERVE LOVE."

--- Ollie, my sweet dog, who smiles and laughs and is so happy while in his pool or simply chewing on his rawhide bone. He looks at me and licks my face, or lays beside me saying, "I'm here. I'm here. Bow wow. Bow wow." And I hear God saying "YOU ARE NOT ALONE."

---My body aches and nose sniffles from a virus that has me feeling miserable, so I leave work early to curl up in the comfort of my home and give attention to my office tasks there. The first of which is to familiarize myself with a beautiful new MacBook Pro that I've been given to work with, and I hear God saying, "THE ABUNDANCE OF THE UNIVERSE IS MY PLEASURE TO PROVIDE."

---I wake on a Saturday morning and still ache from feeling unwell, but I am able to walk my dog and look high to the deep blue Arizona sky. And I hear God reminding me" MY CREATION IS YOUR CREATION AND ALL OF IT IS PERFECT."